


Heaven {couldn't wait for you}

by VegetableNinja



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Minor Character Death, References to Depression, Sad, Song fic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VegetableNinja/pseuds/VegetableNinja
Summary: After a devastating loss Christen and Tobin write down their feelings.A story inspired by the 13 saddest songs.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 12
Kudos: 56





	1. You're Gonna Be Ok

**Author's Note:**

> Sry for writing another depressing story.

**You're Gonna Be Okay - Brian & Jenn Johnson**

_I know it's all you've got to just be strong_   
_And it's a fight just to keep it together_   
_I know you think that you are too far gone_   
_But hope is never lost_   
_Hope is never lost_

_Hold on, don't let go_   
_Hold on, don't let go_

_Just take one step closer_   
_Put one foot in front of the other_   
_You'll get through this_   
_Just follow the light in the darkness_   
_You're gonna be ok_

_I know your heart is heavy from those nights_   
_But just remember that you are a fighter_   
_You never know just what tomorrow holds_   
_And you're stronger than you know_   
_You're stronger than you know_

_Hold on, don't let go_   
_Hold on, don't let go_

_Just take one step closer_   
_Put one foot in front of the other_   
_You'll get through this_   
_Just follow the light in the darkness_   
_You're gonna be ok_

_Just take one step closer_   
_Put one foot in front of the other_   
_You'll get through this_   
_Just follow the light in the darkness_   
_You're gonna be ok_

_And when the night is closing in_   
_Don't give up and don't give in_   
_This won't last, it's not the end_   
_It's not the end_   
_You're gonna be ok_

_when the night is closing in_   
_Don't give up and don't give in_   
_This won't last, it's not the end_   
_It's not the end_   
_You're gonna be ok_

* * *

_**Tobin** _

The therapist in the hospital suggested writing to you. I mean you will probably never read it so it's more like a diary. But why not?

I have so many feelings and so many things I want to tell you. And I'm going to tell you everything but first I have to sort my thoughts.

I guess writing them down will do the trick.

My precious baby, you are so strong. I know you have to fight right now like you've never had to in your short life and maybe you think you are too far gone.

Maybe you think how could I ever come back. Hanging on these machines. Not even breathing on your own.

I'm gonna tell you though, hope is never lost, okay? There is always hope.

So hold on, baby. Don't let go. Not yet. Because we need you, buddy. We need you to have hope.

If you feel like your hope is fleeting remember to have faith. Just remember one of my favorite bible verses.

_Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you._

God is with you, okay baby? We are all with you

You're gonna get through this, Ellie baby. You just have to because, God, there's just no way you couldn't.

I can't, I won't imagine a world without you.

So come back to me, baby. Just take one step closer. Breathe for me. Please, baby, I just want to see you breathe on your own.

You're gonna be okay. One step at a time.

Like the time I taught you ice-skating. Put one foot in front of the other.

One step at a time. Come out of this darkness and into the light. Come home to us, baby.

I know you'll get through this.

And I know, baby, you're tired. I know your heart is weak from all those nights.

It has been way too long. You know, it's been over two weeks now the doctors put you in an artificial coma.

But I know you can do this, just remember that you're a fighter, Ellie.

Like the time we went surfing and this big scary wave wiped you out. You fought you're way to the surface like the brave warrior you are.

I was so proud of you, kiddo. I'm always proud of you. You're stronger than you think, never forget that.

And if you are too tired to fight today, that's okay. Tomorrow is another day and you never know what tomorrow holds. Just don't lose hope.

And hold on baby. I will not let you go. So don't do it either. Please don't let go.

One step at a time, Ellie. I know you'll get through this. You're gonna be okay, baby. You just have to.

Don't give up. Even when you feel like this is the end and the night is closing in.

I'm gonna tell you this is not the end okay. This won't last. Okay, baby. Just know that you're gonna be okay.

It may feel like the end, but it's not. Don't give in, baby. Don't give up.

Like the time you wanted to learn the rainbow flick and it simply wouldn't go right. But you were stubborn and didn't give up.

You did it, remember? You mastered it the very next day and did it with more grace than I ever did.

So remember you are stronger than you know. Don't give up. I won't and I'm gonna fight with you, okay, all the way till you're home.

You're gonna be ok. Okay?

Please let her be okay.


	2. Rise up

**Rise Up - Andra Day**

You're broken down and tired  
Of living life on a merry go round  
And you can't find the fighter  
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out  
And move mountains  
We gonna walk it out  
And move mountains

And I'll rise up  
I'll rise like the day  
I'll rise up  
I'll rise unafraid  
I'll rise up  
And I'll do it a thousand times again  
And I'll rise up  
High like the waves  
I'll rise up  
In spite of the ache  
I'll rise up  
And I'll do it a thousands times again  
For you  
For you  
For you  
For you

When the silence isn't quiet  
And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe  
And I know you feel like dying  
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet  
And move mountains  
We'll take it to its feet  
And move mountains

And I'll rise up  
I'll rise like the day  
I'll rise up  
I'll rise unafraid  
I'll rise up  
And I'll do it a thousand times again  
For you  
For you  
For you  
For you

All we need, all we need is hope  
And for that we have each other  
And for that we have each other  
We will rise  
We will rise  
We'll rise, oh oh  
We'll rise

I'll rise up  
Rise like the day  
I'll rise up  
In spite of the ache  
I will rise a thousands times again  
And we'll rise up  
Rise like the waves  
We'll rise up  
In spite of the ache  
We'll rise up  
And we'll do it a thousands times again  
For you oh oh oh oh oh  
For you oh oh oh oh oh  
For you oh oh oh oh oh  
For you

* * *

_**Christen** _

I think it's a good idea to write to you or just writing in general. The kind therapist said it could help to cope with the situation.

I don't have high hopes, but I mean there's no harm trying.

These last two weeks have been chaotic at best and just so deeply harrowing. I can't stand seeing you in this hospital bed, wired to too many machines.

You look so broken down and tired. The only thing I want is to hold you but I can't. Want to wrap you up in the biggest hug and never let go, baby.

But all we are allowed to do is to hold your hand because of your fragile body.

Every time I enter your room my legs give up and I collapse but every time I rise up for you, baby.

I'll rise up and so you can too. High like the waves, Ellie. High like the biggest waves you surfed.

I don't ever want to leave your side, sweetie. Never. And it breaks my heart when I have to. But I don't want your brother to see you again like that.

He was so devasted, you know. The day after the accident, you were already in a coma, we came to visit you and he ran over to you and screamed. I can still hear the scream late at night. It was

bloodcurdling. So we try to keep him away from you, but it's so hard. Every day he begs for you to come home to us.

I don't want to cry in front of him, but how when all I do is cry?

And then there's Tobin. I can barely hold my own pain but, god, seeing Tobin's pain. I know I should be there for her. I should ease her pain, right?

A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. Isn't that what marriage is for? But how, when I nearly break apart every time I see her the ache in her eyes?

She hasn't left your side for one minute, baby. All she does is sitting in the uncomfortable chair beside your bed and praying for you.

Praying for you to breathe. Praying for you to rise.

It's gonna be hard. But I promise you I'll rise up. In spite of the ache. I'll rise up for you and I'll do it a thousand times again. I will never give up fighting for you, Ellie.

I'll rise unafraid so you can do the same. Don't be afraid and rise, baby.

I know you feel like dying when all that's keeping you alive are life-support machines, when you can't breathe on your own and the silence isn't quiet, because those machines never are.

But I promise you we'll take the world to its feet for you. We are gonna fight with you and if we have to move mountains to get you home to us, we will.

All we need is hope and even though Tobin looks so broken I know she has hope, I can see it in her eyes beneath the ache.

That's why I know that we have each other and we will rise up. We will rise up in spite of the ache. For you.

So we need you to have hope, okay?

And know that we've got you.

Because we will do everything for you. We will take the world to its feet and move mountains for you. And we'll do it a thousand times again. So you can rise up again.

We love you, baby.

Come home to us.


	3. To Die For

**To Die For - Sam Smith**

_"It is if everyone dies alone"_   
_"Does that scare you?"_   
_"I don't want to be alone"_

_I look for you_   
_Every day_   
_Every night_   
_I close my eyes_   
_From the fear_   
_From the light_   
_As I wander down the avenue so confused_   
_Guess I'll try and force a smile_

_Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday_   
_Couples holding hands on a runway_   
_They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down_   
_Solo shadow on a sidewalk_   
_Just want somebody to die for_   
_Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down_   
_I just want somebody to die for_

_I long for you_   
_Just a touch (does that scare you?)_   
_Of your hand_   
_You don't leave my mind_   
_Lonely days I'm feeling_   
_Like a fool for dreaming_

_As I wander down the avenue so confused_   
_Guess I'll try and force a smile_

_Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday_   
_Couples holding hands on a runway_   
_They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down_   
_Solo shadow on a sidewalk_   
_Just want somebody to die for_   
_Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down_   
_I just want somebody to die for_   
_I just want somebody to die for (to die for)_   
_I just want somebody to die for_

_"Does that scare you?"_   
_"I don't want to be alone"_

_Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday_   
_Couples holding hands on a runway_   
_They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down_   
_Solo shadow on a sidewalk_   
_Just want somebody to die for_   
_Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down_   
_I just want somebody to die for_   
_I just want somebody to die for (to die for)_

* * *

_**Tobin** _

Since ~~you die~~ you're gone every day I think about a conversation we had just three months ago. The old lady in the house across the street had only died and was found alone in her bathroom the day before.

You looked so sad and heartbroken even though you didn't really know her. Like the sweet angel you ~~are~~ were.

God, I will never get used to talking about you in past tense. It would mean accepting that you're not present. I can't let you go. You're my little baby. No parent should have to get used to this.

Anyway, you said to me after we tried to explain the concept of death to you and Elijah, "It is if everyone dies alone."

What a deeply sad thought for an eight-year-old. Your mind always amazed me. I thought you were sad about the old woman dying in her house alone without any family but then you told me that in death you're truly alone for the first time in life.

That you get born into the hands of your parents and that even if you don't have family or friends you may have a dog or a cat or nice neighbors but in the moment of death you are alone.

That nobody can accompany you to heaven.

I was so baffled and asked you, "Does that scare you?"

You just looked down at your feet and whispered, "I don't want to be alone."

Back then I could just kneel down, hug, and promise you that you will never be alone.

Now I lay awake at night and I am scared, baby. I don't want you to be alone but I let you down and broke my promise.

I can only hope that God escorted you to heaven and you had people waiting for you at the gates of heaven.

I am so sorry, baby. I will never forgive myself for letting you be alone.

I miss you so much, Ellie baby. I can't put it into words how much.

It is weird how the whole world changed the moment you left, but at the same time the world keeps spinning and everyone else lives their lives as if nothing has happened.

It is so confusing.

Yesterday I went for a run in the park to get out of my head and at one point I had to stop to get some air. So I stood there in the middle of the path, you know in front of the art installation,

when a family came up to me and asked if I could take a picture of them in front of the art.

I told myself to get it together and not cry in front of them and so I tried and forced a smile while helping this sweet family to a cute family pic.

After they went on all I could think about was that we will never take such a picture again. You can't imagine what I'd do to take one more photo with you, baby.

God, I just want our family to be whole again like theirs.

I couldn't move and all of a sudden I could only see all the happy people, couples holding hands, families posing for pictures while my world was crashing down.

I was so angry with other people in the park having fun even though you were gone. How could the sun shine, kids laugh, dogs play, how could there be love without you in this world?

I know it's stupid. They are not the ones to blame for your death. They didn't even know you.

But I am, okay? I am to blame for the fact that you're not here, that you will never play in a park with your brother again, or take one of your selfies.

I guess I'm not angry with them but with me.

I should have never suggested snowboarding off-piste. I should have known that the snow conditions in march can be dangerous. I should have warned you more about tree wells. I know I did everything I could to get you out of there, but yet I should have been faster. Maybe you'd be alive if I just had been faster, baby.

I am so unbelievable sorry, Ellie.

I miss you. So much.

And I long for you. Every single minute.

What I'd do for one more day with you, Ellie. One more hug, one more high five, one more adventure, one more pillow fort, one more telling you 'I love you', one more wishing you a good night. Only one day more to celebrate life with you.

You don't ever leave my mind, you know.

Sometimes I wake up with a smile after having a dream about you and for a second my world is whole and I'm not broken but the realization comes inevitably and everything comes crashing down once more.

And sometimes I catch myself daydreaming. Wishing, imagining you coming into our bedroom and jumping on the mattress again like you did every weekend. You know I always groaned and complained that you never let us sleep in but secretly I loved it. Your pure energy filled me with joy no matter how tired I was.

But I am a fool for dreaming.

You will never ever come crashing onto our bed again and you will never again tickle my feet trying to wake me up, you won't do anything again.

So it's lonely days I'm feeling.

Without you in it, the world just feels indefinitely lonely.

Anyway, you don't leave my mind and above all because everything reminds me of you.

Seeing couples holding hands reminds me of you because you always took my hand when we were walking down the beach to our surf spot. Everything in the house reminds me of you. The staircase, where you got your head stuck once. The apple tree in the garden you used to climb on. All the toys, we got you and your brother, you never played with because you rather played ball outdoors and indoors or read one of your books. Your favorite soccer ball.

I almost tripped over it the other night and when I saw that it was your ball I burst into tears and when I went back to bed I cried myself to sleep cradling the ball.

My throat ties up every time I see someone drinking pink lemonade. That used to be us, you remember? Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday. I always pretended it was my favorite drink as well because your eyes lit up every time we had something in common.

Even walking down a sidewalk alone seeing my shadow reminds me of you as you made it a game trying to catch my shadow.

Solo shadow on a sidewalk when it should be two, baby.

You shouldn't be gone. It's not fair.

I feel so endlessly guilty. It's killing me.

I just want to turn back time and die instead of you. Maybe the universe needs a death, you know for balance or whatever. If it needs a death, okay, but take me instead.

I just want to die for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay. I finally managed to update. Sry life is stressful right now. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and it wasn't too confusing.


	4. Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I didn't know if I was going to update this story simply because I'm not in the same headspace as in the summer. I don't wanna go into too much detail here just know that I will probably finish this story. I have some other story ideas waiting but I want to finish this first.
> 
> Enjoy the read! But also remember this is a sad story and it will be staying sad for quite some time. As with all chapters this one is pretty short.
> 
> tw: depression, shortly mentioned (also I didn't do any research on this and I don't have any psychological expertise)

**Heaven - Beyoncé**

_I fought for you_  
_The hardest, it made me the strongest_  
_So tell me your secrets_  
_I just can't stand to see you leaving_

_But Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_No, Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_No, Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_So go on, go home_

_We laughed at the darkness_  
_So scared that we lost it_  
_We stood on the ceilings_  
_You showed me love was all you needed_

_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_Heaven couldn't wait for you, oh_  
_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_No heaven couldn't wait for you_

_No heaven couldn't wait for you, no_  
_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_No heaven couldn't wait for you, oh_  
_Heaven couldn't wait for you_  
_So go on, go home_

_Padre Nuestro_  
_Que estas en el cielo_  
_Santificado sea Tu Nombre_  
_Venga Tu reino_  
_Hagase Tu voluntad_  
_En la tierra como en el cielo_  
_Amen_

* * *

_**Christen** _

Oh, baby. 

I can't stand it you know.

It has been three weeks. Three weeks since they turned off the machines and you took your last breath. This is the moment you started leaving and I can't stand it.

I just can't stand to see you leaving.

You have been leaving bit by bit ever since and it leaves a hole in my heart. And somedays you rip out bigger pieces than on others.

The biggest was when we buried you, just a week ago, that was the hardest moment. I got to hold your hand one last time, baby. But I also had to let it go forever. I had to let **you** go. Forever.

And this morning when I woke up I couldn't recall your laugh. Just yesterday I could still hear it clearly and now it's faded.

What will I forget next? The color of your eyes? The sound of your footsteps in the morning before you jumped on our bed? 

I'm afraid you know. I am so afraid that if I forget more and more about you, that eventually, I will forget all the things I loved about you. That I will forget my love for you. That you will forget my love for you. 

Especially because it was you that showed me that love was all I needed. You probably can't remember this since you were about four years old when it happened.

We were trying for a third child, you know, but after the third round of IVF that didn't work, I gave up. I was a wreck. I was embarrassed that my body wouldn't work as I wanted it to. I felt guilty.

Honestly, I was depressed.

But you, baby, you were my little angel. You laughed with me against the darkness.

You just laid one of your little hands on my cheek and said, "Mommy, can I tell you a secret? " I nodded and you whispered, "Do you know what I do when I'm a little sad?"

I shook my head and you said in the cutest voice "I think about aaall the things I love, then all I can think about is love and then I don't have time anymore to be sad. I can help you make a list of all things

you love, if you want, mommy."

And so we made a big list of the things I loved. We got the big poster sheets and even the glitter pens. It was the first time in months that I had fun and could freely laugh again.

We wrote about my love for you and Elijah of course, my love for Tobin, my love for our dogs, parents, sisters, family-in-law, my love for my friends, for my job, even for nature.

And when the poster was almost full and I couldn't think of any more things I loved, you turned to me and said, "Now you have to list all things you love about yourself, mommy.

That is always the hardest part but it's also the most important one. But it's ok because I am here and I can tell you all the things I love about you."

You know before you crawled in my lap that day, I had laid in bed for days and I couldn't feel anything. I felt so unbelievable hollow but when you said that last thing I could feel my heart bursting with love

and I could finally cry. I cried while you held me with your tiny arms and told me all the things you loved about me.

That’s how I learned that day that love is the most powerful thing and it truly is the only thing you need. And while you whispered the things you loved about me, I also learned that sometimes the things

you hate about yourself are the ones loved by someone else. I always felt self-conscious about slowly losing my athletic and toned body and becoming soft but you showed me it's nothing to be sad about

because cuddles are much better when you are soft.

I should have known that you didn't belong in the mortal world, baby. You have always been our little angel.

But you were so young. So very young. Nobody should have to leave this world and their parents only eight years old.

But heaven couldn't wait for you, didn’t it? Heaven couldn't wait for you, baby, so the angels brought you there. 

I wish I could keep you, hanging in limbo, forever eight years old. So I wouldn't have to see you leave. So I would never forget your smile. But I have to let you go.

So go on, go home.

Be our little angel.

I love you so much, Ellie. So very much.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. 
> 
> stay safe, go out into nature if possible and destress.  
> We're gonna get through this, you guys.


End file.
